First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
