stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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