Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
