I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
