If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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