Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I came so hard my ears popped.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
