So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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