I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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