sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
