I'm lost and stupid without you.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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