So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
