You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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