It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
