Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
