I puked a lego.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
