I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
