I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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