Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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