Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
