You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
