Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
