I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She needs sedatives and a leash
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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