i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
