Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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