Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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