dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
