my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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