I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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