i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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