I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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