Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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