Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
