I just cut my nipple shaving
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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