I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Alive.
So much puke
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
