Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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