fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
