Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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