From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
