in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
now i know why i became what i already was.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
