If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
