i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize