You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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