i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
