Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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