I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Randomize
