He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need to calm my uterus...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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