Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
