If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
