Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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