mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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