listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
