Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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