in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
