i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
