Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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