So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
