how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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