Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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